Thursday, January 6, 2011

My Own Worst Critic

Why is it that as woman we tend to be so critical to ourselves. We want to be alluring & attractive to our signifigant others, nuturing & patient with our children, savy & successful in our careers, loyal & giving to our friends, etc., etc. Nothing short of perfection and we are a failure. Yet when we stop to think about it, we know perfection is not possible.

But does that stop us from beating ourselves up? NO!

So I've been in this rut. On the outside I've semi-acted like I have it all. I've avoided the areas that would make me see my failures and pony up. I've put on the pretense that everything is going well, but inside my head these are the thoughts floating around:

"Ughh, you are so fat!"
"You never follow through!"
"Everyone knows you're a fake!"

"Why did you even try?"
"You should just stop taking on big things, then you wouldn't fail."
"Everyone is looking at you to see if you're skinny yet and you're not!"
"Why bother, it doesn't work"

Even as I write this, the demons are still circling. I've resisted writing this because let's face it denial is so much easier (but is it really?)

I had this AH-HAH moment on Sunday at church. The cute girl teaching the lesson was talking about a day she had where she wrote this whole list of all the things she sucked at. And it was really long. When she was done she just cried and felt horrible. Right there I was struck. When I look at her this is what I see: Beautiful long hair, great sense of humor, she's such a "people person," very fit, confident, somebody I want to get to know better, etc. My first thought was, "How could she really be bad at that many things?" Then I realized she ISN'T bad at that many things, she is just critical of herself. JUST. LIKE. I. AM. 

What's ironic is when we are critical & unloving of ourselves, we feed this vicious cycle of guilt, shame and hate, which then causes more things for us to be critical of. Oy vay!

As overwhelming as it can be, I REFUSE to allow this to reign my thoughts and my behavior. Here is my resolution (call it New Year's if you wish) I choose freedom, love and understanding. I will be to myself what I confess to be to others. I will embrace the accomplishments and learn from the failures. I will not strive for perfection but rather excellence. I will stop comparing myself to others. I will fill my head with praise and love. I will STOP BEING MEAN to myself!

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